Through my eyes

Growing upside down in the creative expression God calls life.

Creating with raw emotion is my passion. As the rawest emotions are the ones we

experience as kids. As those are the ones that are usually in

their purest and rawest form. 

"For what" I ask myself, as I struggle to sketch away another drawing.

"For this", the masterpiece whispers back to me.

I began by being Born in Zamora, Michoacan.

I don’t know much about what's there, and I feel it's for the better.

As It wouldn't be long after my birth, that I was brought to The United States.

From what I've been told I was 1.5. yrs old or 2. Leaving my mother behind wasn’t my choice

But I imagine its for the better, as it brings me peace.

So ive grown to my birthplace Mexico, California (to feel like I fit in)

As until I saw my birth certificate at the age of 17 I was under the impression of being part of the family

I was in. Boy was I wrong. I guess that’s a good thing? I don’t really know. But my life started to make sense

After the truth was settled, more on this as my story progresses.

Needless to say I was never aware of my situations, until I was told. I just knew I was life living

, in a world, growing and becoming, and still am. So in my mind I lived a normal life, as much as I could.

Growing up was fun, until it wasn’t. Everything felt like a well

knit family until I saw the truth I was in. Then it wasn’t.

------

Growing up in an undocumented household was never easy;

It came with interesting obstacles and dynamics of life. Which I tried to avoid

But eventually, it all catches up to you. In the mean time

 Art is something I grew to love naturally. Growing up after what I saw, an artist, mechanic and boxer

It was something easy to pick up. I loved helping my dad work in his auto shop as much as I could, unfortunately

That wasn’t very long. When 7 came knocking my dad was taken from us. Of course losing my dad wasn't easy, I was too young to comprehend what happened, I thought he had just left.  So to avoid the pain I fell in love with art when I was 7, as it helped me express my pain, but at the time I just saw it as making art.  And with no one to explain this life to me, cause why would they? I was left to figments of my imagination to understand what happened, which of course I wasn’t capable of. Was I the fault of it all? It sure felt like it. That's how they made it seem at least.  Atleast I had art. Atleast I had my own self love. The fuel that ignited my fiery passion was found in the darkness of his absence. And in the anger of my abandonment.  That’s why it was so easy for me to get attached, it helped me get through the toughest years of my life, and still does. Not much else for a 7 year old to do, right?

Shortly after his deportation things would come to happen that would prevent me from living a full childhood, something that I've come to understand. Yet is the cause of pain beyond what a normal kid can handle. As soon as my dad was taken my torment began. And, I never knew why? It didn’t make sense to me

Why, my own family hated me so much? It still bothers me. But that’s life. . . I guess. So to avoid it, you guessed it. You could find me, lost in a drawing, a craft, book, or watching a movie hiding from them all. While he was in the detention center I'd often trace the drawings he'd send me falling into a trance like state. Hiding in the dark, tracing until perfection. Some of those drawings I still have. What surprises me is the pain I feel, everytime I hold them. I see myself, tracing away, like it was yesterday. . .Everytime.

 Being a kid was "easy" cause I didn’t know the truth that was lying right in front of my eyes. So it was fun, until it wasn’t.

Which is why I'm grateful for the years that my dad was in my life. While some came to know my dad as a monster, he was my safe haven from the true evil. That lurks within my now ex-family. As I was left to figure out the treacherous snakes I was blind to, that I would be forced to call … my family. Due to no fault of my own, the life that was left behind, was left on its own.

You know I still can't remember a birthday, where I was fully celebrated. There was always. And I do mean always. some form of resentment. I hated my childhood and still do. So I try to look past it. Writing this isn't easy. It never has been.

Art helped me through the times I'd wait for my dad.  I’d wait and wait and wait some more. The only wish I ever had on my birthdays was for his return. I'd wait, peek at the door, every time I heard it open . DA… ohh its just you guys. Where's my gift? Ohh right. There never was one." I’d think to myself. These thoughts came from the feelings I felt from the memories they left behind. Then I'd wait some more. Not knowing he never would arrive.

What I thought would be a short, short time turned into days. Weeks that drove me weaker. Months of agony

Years of resentment. Decades they say will drive you mad. It's driven me insane. Where's my love ?!?

In seasonal phone calls, which I've grown to hate.

======================= The killshot.. . . . 

Most often as we grow we tend to hold back 

what we say and how we feel due to societal

norms and standards, or the repercussions that may come afterwards.

Being ignored and made to feel worthless, hurts more. 

Maybe it would've been better? Who knows 

Let me forget. let me forget 

I still remember when my oldest nephew SLAMMED that garage door on my finger. It never made sense to me. It still hasn't. It sent me to the hospital. But sometimes it'd be okay, because if he didn’t physically assault me, he'd just verbally bully me, or find other ways of making my life a living hell. I still remember those words. "This could be you" as he'd hit a ball with a wooden stick. “We…we  were just playing a game, I thought we were friends, I thought I had family. I never really did” I thought internally . I was still 8. That wasn't the worst of it though. 

Let me forget it all. All I know is I was in middle school. No elementary school. No middle school. This please let me forget. 

I was young, still in adolescence. But the blade was sharp, how can I forget?

I knew not to move. It might cut me if. I do. Or Gustavo Mora Castro might. After all he did say. " You're adopted. No one cares about you. I could kill you right now and no one would care" the kitchen blade pressed up against my throat, more. As the death threat left an imprint in my young mind.

We were standing in the hallway i was trying to get to the kitchen. To get something to eat. If I could sneak it. Maybe they wouldn't catch me. "Rats" I thought to myself

They caught me. His younger brother Jordan Castro Tlaseca standing to the left of him. Both against me. Where do I run?  Nowhere. I cant. "Youre to weak. Rat.!" HAHAHAH "Skinny bone jones" hehehe

So everything felt like a well knit family. But that was a I lie I made up. . . to try and fit in. I don't know why I even tried. 

Things were ALWAYS tough, especially on me. BUT art, the love of my life. Has always helped

me push through. It truly is the reason why I'm still here. So ill create until my day comes. . . .

When will it come ?!

The coming of age

What was fun was turning 13 as it qualified me to start working. "Some time away from home, just what I need.

It came with money too, even better." “I could finally have my own stuff, buy my own food. Be my own person.”

 But it was during my highschool Summer vacations, you know the norm. I’ts something about getting up at the rise of dawn. Biking your way up an uphill journey to start work, hard labor. Man's work. From 6 a.m till who knows when p.m. I'd try to ignore the time, and just wished for the end. Because if it wasn’t the sun's intense heat beating down on me. It'd be the intense rage from my half brother. Itd eat at me mentally. Once would've been fine. but. this was on the daily. It was routine. 

“WHY CANT YOU DO IT RIGHT, no seas PENDEJO.” 

"GO GET ME THIS, " "cant find it? Its right in front of your eyes! Look!" 

"QUE NO PUEDES ?!? never actually teaching me.

Think outside the box was the best advice he ever gave. I'd pretend I knew what he meant. As to not look dumb.

 That instilled in me an incredible level of work ethic, and perfectionism. I had to get it right. Or else. It taught me grit and working in mansions was pretty cool too as it showed a different side of life. It gave me hope for a better tomorrow. A future that I'd build. I knew I would. "I won't live like this long," I thought to myself.

14 no 15 ahhh idk, let me forget okay !?!?  The cherry on top.

I remember it like it was yesterday. How couldn’t I. It's not every day, this would happen. Thankfully?

I was working, cutting a piece of wood. My right hand on the chopsaw handle. My left on the piece of board I was cutting. Inches away from the raw blade. . . . When I feel the buzz of my phone. Not a buzz. But the buzz. That would change my life forever. I just didn’t know it, yet. I make the cut, let go of the handle and grab my phone. . .

 take a quick glance thinking it would be my girlfriend and there it is. . . . The text message that fllipped my entire world . The text message that a 15 yr old boy doesn't know what to do with, an unknown number. "Great Just great." "its a familiar name.” "Is it true?" "Could this be a prank?" I was hoping it was.

 "hi its Gorge, I know you don’t know me, but I know you I'm a good friend of your dad. I don’t know how to tell you or if anyone's told you yet. But, your mom isn't your real mom." I froze. I didn't know what to do. What do I do? I went inside the house I was working in to show my half brother. Searching for the truth. And hoping for a no. “No les agas caso”

 His expression gave it away.

 Soon after he called his mom. That gave it away. It  ruined the workday. But who did it come from? No one my dad knew had my number. My dad didn’t even have my number. It has been 8 years since we were apart. But it all. Finally. Came together.

Immediately, after that my family told me the truth about my mom. I felt like the center of attention. At least for once.

Everyone hurdled around me. Questioning what I received. Let me see, let me look. I'd show them the text. Sheepishly. They'd  affirm my importance to them. It felt real. It was fake.

Not the text. But the love. It only lasted that day. Then orale, right back to work. For them it didnt matter, they already knew. but. For me it was mind bending. Who is my real mom, where is she now? Who sent that text? Was left on my mind, maybe they care. Maybe they can get me back to my dad. And this would all soon be over. Hopefully.  

And the culprit? Hiding within the family. Just like every other one.

He'd give me a space to call home, feed me, mentor me. Lecture me. Punish me. But I didn’t need it.

Not the home, not the lectures. Not the guidance from Raul Arroyo Pastrana. Not from someone id

Come to trust. Whatever I thought. I know the truth now. I need to get out here. And fast. There truly is no one to trust. Not when you come from a “family” like mine, you don't need enemies. With them in your life.

i’m still waiting on the text message telling me it's all a joke.

 It's mind bending at 15. Learning your whole life has been a fabricated lie held onto by every "family" member you know.I was hatefully adopted, an illegitimate child. On top of being illegal.

 How many more "ill's" will there be. This is driving me sick !

So I was left in homes that only made me feel more lost, and accepted out of place. Maybe foster care would've been easier. After all I was just a means to an end. See I was the key to the heart of my dad.

So she thought. So she accepted me, his wife, not my mom. To try and get to my dad. And keep his love

All to herself.

My “step mom “ quietly thought. No wonder why they all hated me. All her kids, and most of their offspring. Cared for her pain and felt that being against me would make her feel better. It did. 

Finding myself confused and questioning who to trust, who my real

Mom is, and who I was calling "mom" my whole life was. Was actually grooming me.

Maria de Los Angles never actually cared.

"get away from him I don’t want you playing with him"

"here you can have these left overs"

"come massage me"

" you can go read now"

See I didn’t mind caressing her, or massaging her nightly. As I thought I was loving mom.

"Boy are you wrong." boy was I wrong. "orphan"

. Believe me!

It’s mentally tasking learning your whole life is a lie. Not just once but twice.

Where do I run to who do I turn to. I have to run away from this home. But how

 Gratefully, once again I had art to fall back on. So I hid in my imagination. Until safety came. Or until I could create my own. Guess which came first ?

An escape plan, teens 

Outside of work and school. At this age I was also doing a lot of fanart and graffiti from my friends, i never had it to actually graff, so i stuck to my sketchbook. And whatever my HS teachers were teaching me. Listening to lots of rap, and hip hop really influenced me and my behavior. Which led us to some crazy stories and fun adventures. These   played the counterbalance in the chaos of my childhood. Finally some peace and quiet from all the madness and chaos. Since I was never really allowed to go out, I found a lot of my free time during highschool time. Too much to explain. Not like I care to anyways. Just know this was a defining point in who I came to be.

Art. Freedom. Defiance. Me. Ahhhhhh. Exhale

 I found a way out. Or I found a reason to get kicked out of my eldest Sister's (Sandra Calderon Castros) home, it was a gift from god as it was housing space for them all. 

 So I was moved into my other Half sisters house for my last 2 years of high school. Where I was worked like a slave. "But you'd get your own room" "And you'd have My kids to take care, here eat what you want." Yess

Going from one household of hate, to the next household of neglect, finally to a household of belittlement

adds an interesting toll to growing up. As I experienced different sides of the "family". Nevertheless art was always there ready to console me. So I'd create. Tirelessly. These will make me a millionaire,then they’ll see, with the help I bring them. Then they’ll love me. I'll box for you. I'll. . . I'll work for you. then what.

Nothing.

I've since put that dream behind. Knowing now i’ll create for you.

This is when life changed. At least for a bit, it felt like I had peace. 

This is also when I feel I had my first ever connection with God.

I was 14? 15? 16 , maybe who knows? All I remember is I was sitting at my art desk.

 Where I distinctly remember feeling as though this voice came through me and asked me “what my

religion?” internally replying with “Catholic”. I then heard the same voice ask me “why”? Knowing the only true response to that was due to my upbringing I quickly stepped into the age of reasoning and

decided that since it wasn't my own reasoning.  That I'd be Atheist, after all god had done. It made sense since.

Until I could find a belief that resonated with me. Where the voice come from I don’t know. But it felt right. It felt like me. Finally I was thinking for my own accord. So I did just that. I researched and discovered a system I personally resonated with and could proudly stand next to. Which set me on my lifelong journey of researching myself, studying religions, philosophies, philosophers and others ideologies Which I guess helped set me up for what was to come.

Going back into HS as a junior and senior I dove deeper into art

gaining influence from new friends, (better friends) and street artists, I learned from youtube now.The new school was too high end to have any real graffers. So I started developing my hyperrealism without distractions. I paid more attention to the fundamentals and learned how to actually draw. I finally had artist friends that could challenge my skillset. So I set out to be the best. 

This is also when I fell in love for my very first 2 times with my more serious HS relationships.

(As long as my first relationship was I was much younger and it was long distance,we'd talk for hours on the phone, she inspired me and i loved her, but we never actually met, we still talk to this day. )

I was in high school, these relationships were "very serious” . My first girlfriend and I lasted 7 months, a solid-ish relationship. I thought. Still not knowing what true love was. She was my 1st though. Holds a special place in my heart. Even though she hurt, I was head over heels. I'd do anything for her. Wake up early to catch whatever bus to get to her house. We sneak out together. Snuck each other into our homes. We did a lot together. But it was short lived. And I also had a lot of my 1st with her. My 1st date. She helped me celebrate my 1st meaningful birthday. We supported each other a lot. Emotionally and mentally. My 1st actual heartbreak. I still remember the pain I felt when we broke up. I couldn’t eat for weeks. Or a week. Hard for me to remember or to blame her. She was in a different school and had her dreams to chase. Not only that but soon high school would be ending and college would commence meaning she'd be moving states and I wasn’t about to get in the way of her goal. I know how important those can be.  And I was all for it. But she didn’t have to cheat on me for me to get the message. But she did. So it made it easier for me to move on. I guess.

So I moved on, quickly. The 2nd was a cover up for the 1st. It always is.

 So I moved on, quickly. There was 3 weeks, ? Left to high school and I found my high school crush. We went to prom together, graduated together. We did a lot together. Tied to each other we didn't leave each other's sights. I thought it was love. But it only led to toxic arguments. I tried to make things better by reading books about relationships. But she never really cared to join in on a healthy way of communicating. I guess that was just a way of life for her. Unfortunately I was too young and naive to read all the signs fully. She was with me while I continued to work construction. At this point I was still under the control of my half brother, but I knew I had to move out quickly. Finally I received my DACA. And with her own situations to take care of. We devised a plan faster than the blink of an eye. She moved out of her home with nowhere to go. She stayed in a motel with one of her friends. I wasn’t gonna let her struggle by herself, and with how fed up I was, I left and moved in with her. In less than 2 hours we were homeless with a couple of her friends staying at a hotel, motels and holiday inns. How does that song go? For a while we all had each other,. . . until we didn't. Soon they'd quietly turn on us. It's always because of money, or worse, jealousy. 

At this point it came with my artistic ability. And something I had noticed in all my friend groups. 

Any who we all eventually moved into an apartment in Henderson everything was settling into place, so it seemed. It went by fast. our year lease ended and we parted ways with her friends as ties fell apart. Our relationship still stood

and we settled into our own apartment unknowingly, where things would start to fall apart and come to an end. The uphill downfall came upon us during covid, where I found myself not being able to handle the lifestyle we were living, a life of slothing around in silent agony. Dragging each other around in a mindless state, living in a meaningless relationship and life. Brought a toll on me mentally. Where the love we had for each other came to a steady stop.

I found myself drifting away from what we had and more stead focused on my Art,learning and growing.  As what I hadn't seen was the betrayal that she was bound to leave me with. And that she did, what caused the most hurt was realizing that I was just a shot for her own revenge (that I had nothing to do with) Why couldn't I see this? It's what she wanted. Revenge. The hatred she felt towards her ex reflected on me. Leaving me with the pain that she wished she could've caused in his life. So I was left with the remnants of wasting my time, love and creativity. Needless to say, it's a relationship that I live life better without. Gratefully it ended how it did and God pulled me out at the nick of time

Just like my life. I guess love is something I have yet to fully understand.

====================

 Finally, A New Beginning.

Ultimately it was after this relationship that I decided to put my full focus on my art. And funny enough I rekindled my relationship with God shortly after. Except now with a much cleared definition, one of my own. God Standing for joy, truth, love and art. This helped me refocus my life. Like never before my focus was dead set on raising my value, I fell deeper in love. With myself and who I was to become. I expanded further on my artskills. I started learning anatomy, bought self help courses, and expanded on my library of knowledge, through timeless books and mentors. I grew under the grasp of great minds following the teachings of Napoleon Hill, Earl Nightingale, Tony Robbins, Billy Alsbrooks, Eric Thomas, Katherine Ponder. I now had a new foundation of beliefs to live on. So I kicked on the high gears. I started researching how to turn my passion into a career, and how to help those around with what I left behind. Sooner than i thought, possible. I started meeting new acquaintances through my art and I made new friends. finally i made money through my passion, it wasn't life changing money, but it was something to keep the gears rolling. So I continued to learn new skillsets, achieve a new mindset, and create better belief systems.  Guiding my steps was art, leading my steps was God. What I left behind was love in the form of art. I gained new styles dove into abstract work, surrealistic work, art nouveau and meaningful stories.

What a turning point I thought. I was on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. I left my life in the

Hands of god and never looked back. I gave it to those who truly valued me and my work. Though I didn't know exactly what I was doing, I knew I believed in myself and the possibility of success. So I continued to hold onto that dream. As Napoleon Hill would put it, that burning desire within me.

=================

At 24 things were looking great. I was searching for a job, to help fund my art business. God had other plans though. a rude awakening. Great. Another battle. One i didnt know about. One that would happen in the blink of an eye. This time it was my own fault. I started the day like i always did, i sent a prayer to god and walked in communion with God. I had a job interview that day. Like always I rocked it. I knew what to say, and knew the job was perfect for me.

I left feeling great. “The job is in the bag” I thought. I started heading back home. Walking turned to running as I saw my bus fly past me. In high hopes of catching it. I started sprinting to catch it, it was where I messed up. I get to a busy intersection. Just outside the strip. I see the bus get to its next stop. I watch the light turn red. The day was hot and I didn't want to sit out in the sun. I was tired of it. So I jolted towards it ignoring the red light. And before I could do anything. CRASH (it hits me.) It literally hit me, a car that was taking off hit me. It knocked me down to the floor causing a (gratefully not so fatal) car accident that left me in agony of the results. I stared at my smile in the

reflection of my phone. It devastated me. It drove me back to requestioning my life, and God. Something that I was used to but now with more life choices and decisions. “Not again”. Pissed off at the world, I found a box to sit near where I had zero plans of moving. At that point it felt like my life was ruined, like I had literally hit rock bottom. I found an electric box to sit near and contemplated life. Not the first time. I wasn't moving.

Then someone pulls to my side. Someone that saw what happened and was kind enough to pull me out of my grave. He called me over from where I was sitting. I ignored him. He called again. I ignored him some more. Then finally something moved me. God. I stayed silent on the ride home only giving my address. When i got back home i had a long 3 or so days of depression where I meditated suicide, once again. As it wasn’t the loss of my teeth that hurt, or the accident. But rather looking around and not seeing any loving help. Where the weight of everything weighs down on me once again. So in a grand state of distress. I called upon God for answers to what my life was and had come to. 

That's when once again everything changed, I didn’t think I'd find an answer. And there it began the most important conversation I had with God. Happened in my sleep.

 It was in these moments where I realized something within me. What’d it matter, God spoke. “You're an artist, focus on your art. Focus on your change.” “Work like you never have before.” So I did. It didn't happen overnight, but I soon realized the teeth only affected me to the degree in which I sought importance in my outward appearance. Seeing a challenge present itself I accepted it. Changed my perspective and created an opportunity. I found the truth in “with every obstacle there is an equal and opposite opportunity.” So I looked for the opportunity.

I Realized, through the help of God. that the most productive thing for me to do was to face my challenges, build my confidence, charterer and further my mindstate. Of course I knew money could fix my problem. But it wouldn't solve what I felt, until I changed the mind I resided in.

so i once again refocus on the things that mattered most to me. Art what I left behind. Here I started give more of myself than I ever had before.  I learned how to write. Taught myself to rap. I learned how to sing. All on my own. The vision in my mind, getting clearer and clearer. My messages I saw were refining the lives of others so I sought out motivational speaking. With messages of my own. I wasn't just some copycat. I was me, leaving original change behind. Finally, I felt it morphed into something greater. I couldn't even recognize myself. I was finally me, like never before . I was proud of who I had become.

Giving away thousands to local and worldly organizations. Transforming my art into stories and messages. I got jobs as a muralist. They didn't pay much, but they were stepping stones, furthering my belief. I started searching how I could best serve others and what I would leave behind, in the art world and

Within the life of others. So I continued tithing, I donated my time, volunteered and churches and created my own ways of giving, along with money I gave myself. And, I've been doing just that. Standing at 25 I relied on my he-art more than ever to lead my life.

At 26 I joined a tattoo shop in hopes of furthering my dream, but that ended up biting me back ,more than it helped. But I brushed it off. It was only money they took. I know it'll come back. But I questioned the direction of where I was going. It was there I noticed I was better than my ”mentor” and everyone else in the shop, all they had over was the ability of holding a tattoo aching. But, my drawing and painting ability far exceeded the shops. On top of that I could sing, rap, and network like never before. Maybe I'm meant for more. At the time I fell under the impression of tattooing being the holy grail of art. So I questioned my belief and direction. How can I be more than I thought I ever could be, I asked myself? Soon after I joined a t-shirt printing business it refueled my dream, it sparked something in me. So I still seek a mentor in tattau, but ive further expanded my vision of what I believed would be a successful artist.  I realized that my mark would best be left within the memories of others, not just their skin. Like a rocket I took off. 

I refined my art website, earned my spot in an art magazine,i started entering art competitions, and refined my skills. I started making songs. Something I had never done before. I searched , no begged, for help. To no avail. So I did it on my own. No biggie, At first I was just posting every here and there, but then I found myself lost for hours within my rapping and story telling ability. I went from making one song a day to 100’s in a sitting. I set out to post a song a day for a year. Looking at it now I’ve far exceeded that goal. What's next I asked, so I looked ? I taught myself to paint with 2 hands. And when that didn't satisfy me I continued searching. I don't  know how but it happened, but it did. I took my second passion for health and turned it into weight spinning, naturally. I took myself by surprise. I started visualizing the weights on fire, I knew my next step. How would I make it a reality? I didn't know. But it happened. I met a good friend that helped me build a relationship with an incredible mentor. She taught me how to fire spin. Now I'm looking for the next opportunity. The stage, Art awards. My next evolution lives within and I can hear it calling. I feel it, breathing. So I listen to the god within, waiting to be reborn and redefined. I face my current challenges With stronger belief than I have before. Knowing nothing is greater than God. I still question life, sure. But I find it easier than it was to overcome the darkness and mold my light. For you, there is nothing I won't do, within reason.

I've been finding completion in

in expressing and creating who I truly am in the rawest form

possible from canvas, to paper, to walls, recording my soul

And writing down my poems. Creating the medicine I call life.

has pulled my out he-art out of The deep depression I used to call life.

 And answered the question to my suicidal thoughts

Now with the answer laying deep within my heart. I've made it my life goal. To leave you, with all

The work that god has for me. My Focus is on expressing my value and through that raising yours, with

soulful messages and touching art. That's born in my heartAnd expressed through my creative soul. My evergreen goal is to leave behind Art that raises your value, bringing out the potential you hold within or showcasing the value you already hold. with the intention of helping you recenter, and refocus your life goals, experiences and creations. 

Now I need you to say, yes. Yes to yourself, and yes to my art. 

After all it just takes a bit of belief to turn this art into, your change into my legacy

With Gratitude, 

Dionicio, Diovinci, Castro. 

AKA Volume. Leaves himself behind. Hear in the now. 

From my hurting heart for your healing hurt.